Navigating Hard Circumstances

Pain & Suffering

I used to think that because I went through so much pain in my first marriage that ended in divorce, I had somehow filled my suffering quota, and surely, things would go smoothly moving forward. It sounds ridiculous when I write it that way. But if I’m being honest, it is an assumption I was leaning on. 

When my current husband and I started trying to have kids, I thought, Surely, I won’t miscarry. Surely, it will all be good. Surely, I’ve met my suffering quota, and God will spare me from more pain. 

And surely, I had a miscarriage. Not just one, not two, but three. And that is where I am at now. We are trying, but the fertility journey so far has been full of pain. 

Jesus says, “in this world you will have trouble” (from John 16:33). It’s clearly an important lesson to learn how to find contentment despite your circumstances because we will have suffering. That is guaranteed. And there is no quota. Pain and suffering are in this world. We must equip ourselves to navigate it. 

Here are a few things I’ve learned through the pain in my first marriage, and the pain I walk today in my fertility journey. It is these very things I systematically remind myself of in order to refocus my mind and heart on the Lord when facing painful circumstances. 

PEACE

Let’s start by looking at the whole verse of John 16:33, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

He is telling us these things so in Him we have peace. What things is He telling us? If you look back in that chapter, you see that Jesus is telling His disciples how they will grieve when He leaves earth and returns to heaven. But He provides reassurance that they will see Him again and they will rejoice. As followers of Jesus, we have His Spirit living inside of us. He is holding onto our hand now. And one day, we will be with Him in heaven. Hold onto these things so that in Him we may have peace.

At the end of verse 33, He says, “But take heart, I have overcome the world.” Notice the past tense. It’s a done deal. He already conquered death. The world didn’t and doesn’t ever win. Jesus does. 

This whole verse pivots us to an eternal perspective, which seems to be the only way I can feel calm in the storm. It reminds me that the world is broken, but it is temporary. At the end of His grand redemption story, death and all things bad are defeated. So as long as I live for Him, I will be with Him in heaven. A place that is without pain and is perfect. A state and place we were made for. It renews a sense of yearning for Jesus and Heaven, and renews my resolve to live for Him. Keeping your eyes heavenward generates stability and peace. You go where your eyes go. Linda Dillow says in Calm Your Anxious Heart, “Two women looked through prison bars. One saw mud, the other saw stars” (29). During suffering, what matters is where you are fixing your gaze. 

“Keeping your eyes heavenward generates stability and peace.”

When our gaze and thoughts are set on Jesus, He supernaturally provides peace even when it doesn’t make sense for our circumstances. “Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy—dwell on these things. Do what you have learned and received and heard from me, and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you” (Philippians 4:8-9) [emphasis mine].

When I’m walking close with Jesus, He gives me a supernatural peace I can’t explain when devastating news comes crashing down. When I was presented with information about my first marriage that was my final straw, I was overcome with a calm and peace that I can’t explain. When I was told my baby had no heart beat, I was overcome with a calm and peace that I can’t explain. Friends, this is Jesus. This is what He does for us! Faith in God and trusting in Him and His sovereignty opens up the doorway for Him to poor His peace out over us. “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:1-4) [emphasis mine].

“Faith in God and trusting in Him and His sovereignty opens up the doorway for Him to poor His peace out over us.”

JOY

We’ve been talking a lot about peace despite our circumstances. The Bible also talks about joy in suffering. As we just read in Romans, Paul says we “glory in our sufferings,” which is another way of saying we can be joyful in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance, which produces character, which produces hope. 

James speaks into this concept, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2-4). Doesn’t that sound great to be mature and complete, not lacking anything? God uses trials to develop our character, bringing us closer to who He made us to be, further preparing us for the purpose He has for our lives and for glorifying Him. We can rejoice in this beautiful phenomenon.

Persevering through suffering requires falling to our knees, bringing us to an even closer relationship with Jesus. The suffering I’ve been through has grown my faith and relationship with Jesus to a level that I would not give back for anything. It’s pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone nor would I want to go through again; however, I am thankful for all the good that God did from it and how God uses everything for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28). This is joyful. 

Sisters, this isn’t easy. Pain and suffering hurt, and finding peace and joy is not a one and done decision. I wish it were. But no. It is a continual decision on our part. When pain and suffering hit, what are we going to do? Where are we going to look? Who are we going to trust? And when we slip up with our imperfect human tendencies and begin to panic, we have another opportunity to put it all back in the Lord’s hands, looking up to Him, thanking Him for His Sovereignty, and remembering that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character; and character produces hope, and that it will make us mature and complete, not lacking anything. We get to grab onto His hand knowing that our time on this fallen earth is but a short snippet compared to our eternal destination in a perfect and pain free heaven.

____

I do want to mention one concept here really quick that actually confused me in my first marriage. There is a difference between suffering for the sake of Christ, and suffering under oppression. In the New Testament, you see people suffering for Christ—persecution endured even to the point of death. Then there are people in oppression—suffering from pain due to sin and our fallen world, and they need rescued. They are not called to keep suffering. We see in the gospels that Jesus rescues such people. He heals them. He frees them. He is a loving God and His purpose for you is not to remain in suffering that is due to sin (be it your own or someone else’s). He calls you to freedom and healing from that kind of suffering. This point can be an entire blog in and of itself, so I’ll dive more into it another time. But speaking plainly, if you are suffering due to being in a relationship with a toxic or abusive person, you do not need to remain in that suffering. Boundaries are biblical, and you must draw boundaries to protect yourself from unhealthy situations that are causing you this kind of harm. This applies to all kinds of relationships. I’d encourage you to reach out to a licensed Christian therapist for guidance on navigating your specific situation.
_____

Dillow, Linda. “Chapter 2.” Calm My Anxious Heart, Navpress, 2007, p. 29.