Hope in the Dark
The theme this year for MomCo is Wild Hope. This was a timely theme for me as I was reaching my wits end with our infertility journey. We now find ourselves face-to-face with IVF, which is exciting, but also scary. It’s forced me to think a lot about hope and what it really means to hope when everything seems to be going wrong. When things aren’t how we thought they’d be. When we’re in the dark.
Hope as a Wish
Hope is a multifaceted word and often loosely used. It’s a word that is frequently more synonymous with a wish. We’ll toss the word around flippantly, like, I hope it snows this weekend. Or, I hope this coffee kicks in soon. We also use it to hope for big things. Like, I hope my heart stops hurting soon. Or, I hope I don’t miscarry this time.
Hope as a Feeling
Hope is also interpreted as a feeling. When what we hope for is not realized, we move from feeling hopeful to hopeless.
Then we tell ourselves, don’t lose hope. We can turn it into a Dory song. Just keep hoping. Just keep hoping. Just keep hoping, hoping, hoping. What do we do? We hope!
Hope as a Choice
Hope becomes a choice. Hope is good, right? We’re supposed to hope. Hope is the right thing to do. It’s one of the big three… Paul talks about Faith, Hope, and Love in 1 Corinthians 13:13.
So, we choose to keep hoping, which is necessary. But this is where we can also get stuck.
When Hope Falls Short
We start thinking that our answer lies solely in continual hope. One problem with this line of thinking is that it can lead us to hopium. A quick google search describes hopium as “a mindset of irrational or unwarranted optimism, or an addiction to false hopes.” We continually hope in the same thing as a means for survival because we can’t come to terms with the fact that reality is telling us that what we are hoping for is beginning to look unlikely. This is a mindset that hope alone is going to make things better despite the evidence that says otherwise. Sometimes, it actually blinds us to being able to accurately assess our situation and make wise choices. This is common for women who feel stuck in destructive marriages. Admitting we are hoping for something that just isn’t happening is too scary. But if we are honest with ourselves, we’d admit that this isn’t working. Hope isn’t working.
“But if we are honest with ourselves, we’d admit that this isn’t working. Hope isn’t working. ”
Commence downward spiral into deep hopelessness. When things don’t go the way we want, we feel God has failed us. We feel hope doesn’t work. This skews our understanding of God and can keep us stuck. What is supposed to work, isn’t. We’re doing what we think we’re supposed to be doing, but it’s not helping.
When we’re in the middle of the pain, wishes and feelings often fail us. Hope is a good thing, so why is it not working? Why are we still stuck? What does it mean to hope when everything seems to be going wrong?
Biblical Hope is Fact
The first thing we must realize is that the hope we have discussed so far is dependent on circumstances, which are unknown and completely out of our control. To draw on a hope that works, we must begin with focusing on Who we are placing our hope in.
“To draw on a hope that works, we must begin with focusing on who we are placing our hope in.”
Biblical hope is being confident in God’s promises. It’s saying I have hope in His promises about who He is and who I am in Him. Promises like: He is good, He is faithful, He has good plans for me, I am saved, I am protected, I am valuable. It’s saying I have hope. This belief and hope holds true despite what is going on in our lives. Despite if what we are hoping for comes true. Despite how we are feeling. Biblical hope is a fact.
Biblical Hope Requires Trust
Putting our hope in Him is a hard choice to make if we don’t trust Him. We have to trust Him first. Trust that He has good plans for us. Trust that He is in control despite circumstances. Trust that the best thing for us might not actually be what we are hoping for. Sometimes the best thing for us is to actually let go of what we are hoping for, and be open to another path He has in store for us.
“Sometimes the best thing for us is to actually let go of what we are hoping for, and be open to another path He has in store for us, which requires a tremendous amount of trust in the Lord.”
Through many tears and heartbreak in my first marriage, I stayed, and prayed, and hoped. I hoped for recovery, and divorce was the last thing on my mind. For a little while, I thought that it might be working. Until I discovered that it wasn’t. Until I realized that nearly three years later, nothing had actually changed and I was right back in the dark, soaking in raw pain with a torn up heart. I had continuously prayed for a husband that would treat me the way God intended. I hoped God would change my marriage, but instead, He rescued me out of that marriage, and has now blessed me with a godly man who treats me with love, honor, and respect. I had to let go of what I was hoping for in order to take a different path He had for me. One of the pastors at Bayside Church in Granite Bay, CA (I’m afraid I can’t remember who it was) said in a sermon one Sunday that stuck with me: “an unknown freedom feels scarier than a known captivity.” It requires a tremendous amount of trust in the Lord.
“When we have hope in Him, our fear of the outcome can begin to lessen.”
When we have hope in Him, our fear of the outcome can begin to lessen. Our openness to another possibility can increase, and our willingness to accept that the path might look different than we have been planning begins to open up. Because we know and trust that no matter what, He loves us, He cares for us, and He has good plans for us. His ways are perfect, so even if something is different than we thought it would be, we can trust that the sweetness exists, even if we don’t understand it. It may be something we taste in hindsight, like I did on the healing side of divorce. But it also may be something we don’t understand this side of heaven. But we trust anyways. We have hope that His way is perfect regardless. We have hope because even though we may not understand our journey, we know our destination.
Biblical Hope Does Not Negate Action
While we have hope in knowing our destination, Jesus also cares deeply about us in our journey. Biblical Hope is not dependent on circumstances and sometimes our circumstances don’t change, but friends, many times they do.
This is another area where it’s easy to hold a skewed understanding that if we just keep hoping in God, things will get better. Sometimes this is true. Sometimes God asks us to sit back and watch Him work a miracle. But it is not always the case.
Biblical Hope doesn’t automatically mean we do nothing else. Hope in the Lord doesn’t mean we just sit idly by and hope God moves, and do nothing else. It doesn’t mean the right thing is to just keep doing what we are doing and hope for a miraculous different outcome. Like what happened in my first marriage, God rescuing me and answering my prayer took action on my part. I prayed and hoped for years, but ultimately, my choice to leave was necessary and God took care of me through it all.
You have maybe heard people say, “If God wants it to happen, it will.” These people tend to avoid medical intervention and advancement (even though they probably would take antibiotics when needed). These people tend to keep their burdens to themselves because it’s just about them and God. These people tend to avoid action and are close-minded to other options and paths. Then they begin to question God and Christianity altogether because things aren’t going well for them. God is sufficient, so why doesn’t this work? “Although He can, God doesn’t do everything. God doesn’t drive your car to church. He doesn’t water your lawn (unless you live in Seattle). He doesn’t tell your kids that you love them. God uses all sorts of resources to help us in life” (Cloud & Townsend, 115).
“He may be asking us to seek His resources He has graciously given us and allowed for us.”
The problem with this thinking is that it neglects His resources. He uses people as resources in order to help us. He has gifted us the mind and ability to take action. Sometimes, He may be asking us to pray and wait on Him. But sometimes, He may be asking us to seek His resources He has graciously given us and allowed for us. It’s a full utilization of what He has to offer… not just Himself, but also His resources. I’ve been praying desperately and hoping for a natural pregnancy and healthy baby for years now. I didn’t set out wanting IVF. It was the last resort, and here we are. Multiple miscarriages is not how it was supposed to be. I believe IVF is His love and graciousness to me. I believe IVF is a medical advancement God has allowed and is one of His resources to mend hearts that are broken from infertility and loss. And maybe… just maybe… IVF is the answer to my prayers all these years.
Action Requires Biblical Hope
Taking action does not mean we aren’t trusting God. It does not mean we are putting hope in ourselves. Because taking action still requires trust in God. In fact, action can require more trust in God compared to waiting. It’s a leap of faith. It’s outside our comfort zone. Sometimes it means it hurts even more before it gets better. And sometimes it still doesn’t yield what we hoped for, but He uses it for His greater purposes. Action requires being confident in His promises regardless of what happens, and trusting He’ll catch us when we leap. It requires biblical hope.
“Action can require more trust in God compared to waiting. It requires biblical hope.”
Moving Forward With Biblical Hope
This is the hope that we grab onto when everything seems to be going wrong. It’s saying, No matter what happens, I have hope in God, His character, and His plans. And through that lens, we prayerfully consider what He is asking us to do, with an openness and understanding that it might mean one of three things:
He might be saying to pray and wait on Him. I think I’ve been clear that it is sometimes the case, just not always.
He might be saying our hopes will come true, but through a path that looks different than we thought. Here, He is saying to take action and utilize one of His resources He is allowing us in order to bring to reality whatever we are hoping for.
Or maybe it means letting go of what we had hoped for, so He can bring to us something richer and better. Remember friends, if He doesn’t change our circumstances, you can trust that He will use the journey to change our heart and redirect us. But we do need to be open to Him and His plans. Resisting His will only keeps us stuck in pain longer.
So in areas where we are stuck in hopium, or maybe hopelessness… Maybe it’s time to ask God, what do I need to do? And renew our hope in His promises and dare to do what He asks.
Then we do it. Even when it means letting go of what we had hoped for. Even if it requires admitting that what we’ve been doing isn’t working. Even if it means it gets harder first before it gets better. Even if we don’t understand it. We do it. His ways are higher than our ways. We have hope in the dark.
_______Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John. Twelve “Christian” Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy. Zondervan, 1995.